


with a comma after dearest

by SpectralHeart



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Humor, Love, Love Confessions, Love Letters, M/M, Oblivious, Romance, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-16
Updated: 2019-03-16
Packaged: 2019-11-13 22:23:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18040193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpectralHeart/pseuds/SpectralHeart
Summary: Roman has several passions. Letter-writing is one of them.Logan has several passions, too. Editing his roommate's love letters is not one of them, but being a decent person, he's willing to do it anyway.(for the stage.)





	with a comma after dearest

**Author's Note:**

  * For [@romansleftshoulderpad (tumblr)](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=%40romansleftshoulderpad+%28tumblr%29).



**SCENE ONE -**

_From blackout, enter LOGAN. The white envelope he holds is mundane enough that you'd think it were junk mail... if it weren't for the look of abject horror written plainly on his face._   

 

LOGAN  
(disbelieving, reading off the envelope)  
"From your Secret Admirer..."?

_He reels back as if he's been slapped._

LOGAN (cont'd)  
No way. Absolutely not. This cannot  
be happening.

_The spotlight presses in on LOGAN from all sides. The entire world seems to hold its breath in anticipation. He's about to reveal something of the utmost importance._

LOGAN (cont'd)  
This letter, it's... it's...

_After an eternity, LOGAN finally lowers the envelope to speak._

LOGAN (cont'd)  
It's unbelievably tacky.

_Lights up. LOGAN is standing in the living room of a cramped (sorry, "cozy") shared apartment. Despite how small the apartment is, the two young men who live here haven't had any difficulty making their house a home; various fanciful little toys and trinkets cover the surface of their coffee table, lamp stands, bookshelves... There's a considerable amount of Disney merchandise. An armchair sits off to the side._ _In the middle of the mess sits a comfortable, albeit cheap, couch (sorry, "loveseat"). In the middle of the loveseat sits ROMAN, blending in quite nicely with the messy environment around him by looking every bit the hot mess. Those were definitely not the words he was expecting to hear._

ROMAN  
Wait, what?

LOGAN  
You honestly couldn't come up with  
anything better than "secret admirer"?

_If looks could kill, LOGAN would be dead on the spot. Alas, "death glare" is unfortunately just a name. ROMAN goes ahead and shoots his roommate a withering one anyway._

ROMAN  
(defensive)  
Well, I wasn't about to put my name on  
that thing. What else was I supposed  
to write?

_ROMAN realizes what he's said a second after LOGAN does. It's a second too long._

                                          LOGAN  
                                 What else, you say?

ROMAN                                             
Hold on -                                         

                         How about "From the Hapless,  
                                   Lovestruck Fool?"

I didn't -                                         

                         "From the Dedicated Dimwit"?

That's not what I -                                 

                           Or perhaps "The Vapid and  
                                  Slow-witted One"?

 

 

ROMAN  
Holy jumping frijoles, Logan, do you  
ever stop talking?

  
_Apparently, he does._

ROMAN (cont'd)  
I didn't mean literally, and you know it.

_Apparently, he doesn't._

LOGAN  
But you did ask for my honest critique. Or  
is this not what you had in mind when you  
asked me to proofread your... handwritten   
confession of devotion?

ROMAN  
It won't kill you to say the words "love  
letter" out loud, you know. And actually, I  
meant the writing itself. I thought that  
much would go without saying.

LOGAN  
I'm afraid I don't quite follow.

_Which is a lie. LOGAN knows exactly what he's doing; he's just being difficult for the sake of being difficult now._

LOGAN (cont'd)  
Does the writing on the envelope not  
count as writing? I can't say I agree. In  
fact, whatever you write on the envelope  
could make or break your entire message.   
Have I not stressed enough the   
importance of first impressions? Not to  
mention --

ROMAN  
(like he's got a headache coming on,  
which may have been exactly what  
LOGAN was aiming for)  
Stop overthinking and just read the darn  
thing, Encyclopedia Brat-annica.

_LOGAN considers arguing, but decides against it; he's messed with his roommate enough already. Clearing his throat, he carefully opens the letter._

LOGAN  
(reading out loud)  
"My dearest --"

_Before he can get out another word, a cheap couch cushion hits him square in the face. LOGAN glares at ROMAN, who has already armed himself with a second cushion in a (not very successful) attempt to appear threatening._

LOGAN (cont'd)  
Hey!

ROMAN  
Not out loud! 

_LOGAN rolls his eyes -- what difference does it make? -- but shuts up nonetheless. Despite himself, he is curious to read about his friend's "secret flame". He settles into the armchair and pulls out a red pen as he returns his attention to the letter in his hands._

_Spotlight on LOGAN; the rest of the stage is plunged into blackout. A set change may occur here, in preparation for the upcoming kitchen scene. Meanwhile, accompanied by the sound of a quill scratching paper (yes, a quill; need I remind you that this letter is unbelievably tacky?), a recording of ROMAN'S VOICE starts to play._

ROMAN'S VOICE  
My dearest,  
  
Some say that familiarity breeds  
contempt. With this sentiment, I could  
not agree less.

  
After all, you have been a  
constant presence in my life for as  
long as I can remember, and I find it  
hard to imagine that I could ever  
be contemptuous of one as wonderful  
as you.  
  
It’s always been the little things that got  
me. Nervous habits and the like. Things I  
don’t think that you’ve noticed about  
yourself. Or maybe that you don’t think  
I’ve noticed.  
  
But I have -- (chuckle) -- oh, I have,  
and every one of them makes me   
fall a little more in love with you.   
  
For one, you fidget as you think.  
With what you're holding, what you're  
wearing, whatever happens to be  
nearby. You used to play the piano, and  
though you quit long ago, I can still   
catch you tapping out songs on an  
imaginary keyboard from time to  
time. Your eyes are sharp when you  
work, but soft when you wonder.   
  
And when you wonder, the world stops to  
wonder with you.

 _The recording fades out. The red pen hasn't touched the paper once. Beat, then_ _LOGAN looks up.  
_

_His eyes are soft._

* * *

**SCENE TWO -**

_LOGAN gets out of his armchair as the lights go up again. He looks over to ROMAN, who is standing in their kitchen, engrossed in reading the ingredients label of a bag of chips he's just pulled from the cupboard. He doesn't notice LOGAN approach -- feet moving slowly, but mind racing a mile a minute -- until LOGAN reaches forward to give him a tap on the shoulder. With a shout, ROMAN throws the chips away from him and spins around, grabbing a harmless plastic knife off the kitchen counter and assuming a comically bad fighting stance. LOGAN grimaces._

LOGAN  
Calm yourself. It's just me.

ROMAN  
Sweet cheese pastries, Logan,  
don't sneak up on me like that!  
I almost took out your whole face  
just now.

_He gestures with the knife as he speaks, very nearly missing LOGAN's face quite a few times more until LOGAN, not too fond of the idea of death by plastic cutlery, grabs the knife and sets it carefully back down onto the kitchen counter himself._

LOGAN  
Forgive me, my liege. Next time  
I'll be sure to ask for a royal escort  
to announce my arrival via trumpet  
fanfare. 

ROMAN  
(matching his sarcasm)  
Oh, hardee har har, aren't you hilarious.  
Is there an actual reason you're here,  
or was it just for kicks that you decided  
to come scare the stuffing out of me?

 _ROMAN bends over to pick up his so-cruelly-neglected chips. LOGAN leans casually on the counter beside him, tapping an idle rhythm on the countertop and definitely not admiring the view. Seriously, he's not. We haven't gotten to that part of the script yet. As he taps, he scrutinizes his roommate carefully_ _. It's only been, what, two minutes? There's no way he's forgotten about the Handwritten Confession of Devotion already..._

LOGAN  
Oh, nothing much. I thought you might  
be interested to hear that I have  
finished proofreading your letter, is all.

_Nope, turns out that he really is that forgetful. THE VAPID AND SLOW-WITTED ONE (er, that is, ROMAN) freezes._

LOGAN (cont'd)  
(carefully nonchalant)  
Of course, if you aren't interested in  
hearing what I thought, then...

 _LOGAN starts walking back in the direction of the armchair. The sight spurs ROMAN into action: chips lying forgotten on the ground, he springs forward to grab LOGAN by the wrist, then spins LOGAN dramatically around to face him, because he's just that extra._ _However, he misjudges the distance between them and the two of them end up much closer to each other than is appropriate, with ROMAN's other hand on LOGAN's back, pulling him close._ _If the director thinks it appropriate, go ahead and cue romantic music and lighting. ROMAN seems to have forgotten how to form words. The whole situation is like something out of a really awful fanfiction._

~~_hey, hold up._ ~~

_After an uncomfortably long pause,_ _LOGAN places his free hand on ROMAN's chest and takes a step back. The embrace (and the moment) ends just as abruptly as it began. When ROMAN begins delivering the next line, it's as if he's protesting the fact that LOGAN moved away, but he catches himself and changes direction quickly._

ROMAN  
(flustered)  
No! No, I'm -- er, I'm listening! I'm  
all ears. My entire being is ears.  
Seriously, you have no idea how all  
ears I am right now. I'm like Argus  
Panoptes, if he were covered with  
ears instead of eyes. You know,  
that guy from Greek Mythology? It's  
a really interesting story, actually,  
remind me to tell it to you sometime --  
(off LOGAN) Right! The letter. Yeah.  
What did you think? Pretty good, right?

_Behind the bravado lingers real nervousness. For one reason or another, ROMAN really, really wants to the answer to be "yes". LOGAN takes his sweet time responding._

LOGAN  
Well, surprisingly enough, yes.

_ROMAN ad-libs an excited, if over-the-top, reaction._

LOGAN  
Let me finish. There were one  
or two basic spelling and grammar  
mistakes: "fidget" isn't spelled with a  
"j", and there were a few commas  
where there should have been periods,  
and so forth. But content-wise? I have  
to admit, I was impressed. After the  
whole "secret admirer" ordeal, I  
can't say I was expecting too much,  
but your writing held a remarkable  
degree of sincerity. Anyone reading  
that letter would be able to tell how  
 passionate you are.

_LOGAN hands the letter to ROMAN, who seems astounded. For good reason; it's not easy to win LOGAN's approval, much less his praise. _

LOGAN (cont'd)  
Go ahead and send this one out. Or  
don't. Do with it what you will. But  
know that if the person who receives  
this doesn't respond, they're an  
irredeemable fool not to realize  
how lucky they are to have you.

ROMAN  
(awestruck)  
I... thank you, Logan.

_He stares at the letter as if seeing it for the first time. Perhaps hearing his roommate's opinion has somewhat changed his own._

LOGAN  
(offhandedly)  
There's no need to thank me for  
stating the obvious.

_LOGAN begins to exit, but stops and turns before he's fully off._

LOGAN (cont'd)  
Oh, and Roman? One more thing.

_ROMAN stares at LOGAN as if seeing him for the first time. Energy crackles between them, their gazes intensely charged with a thousand intangible emotions. One of them -- it's unclear which one -- wants to reach out, and not just in the physical sense, but something is stopping them. They're both waiting for the other to make the first move. _

_Beat. LOGAN's gaze travels to the ground at ROMAN's feet._

 

LOGAN (cont'd)  
Those chips expired a month ago.

_Exit LOGAN. After a moment, exit ROMAN, to the opposite side._

* * *

**SCENE THREE -**

_Lights up on LOGAN at a nice desk off to one side of the stage, perhaps with the desk lamp on, typing away on his laptop like the Very Serious Hardworking Fellow he is. He's in the zone. A day has gone by, as shown by a simple costume change. LOGAN's study is very neat, a sharp contrast with the chaos of the living room. His massive wooden bookshelves are organized by colour and carry no trace of personality. The only hint of human existence, besides the human himself, is a plastic bottle of water (almost empty) and a plate (empty). Surprising no one, it looks like the Disney merch adorning the living room was all ROMAN's doing._

ROMAN  
(off; sing-song)  
Oh, Lo-gan!

_LOGAN jumps. There goes "the zone". He sits back in his chair and calls out in no particular direction._

LOGAN  
(irritated)  
What do you want, Roman?

_Enter ROMAN, holding a new envelope._

ROMAN  
Well, you did such a great job proofreading   
the first letter I wrote, so I was wondering  
if you could maybe... (off LOGAN) Hey,  
what's with that look you're giving me?

LOGAN  
(incredulous)  
You didn't write another letter already,  
did you? It's only been a day!

ROMAN  
Er... what if I told you I did? (off LOGAN)  
Look, there's nothing wrong with being a  
little extra passionate! You said as much  
 yourself when you gave me back the  
first one. You said it was a good thing!

LOGAN  
Actually, I said it was easy to tell how  
passionate you are. You're putting words  
in my mouth.

ROMAN  
(frowning)  
So does that mean you won't help  
me proofread this?

LOGAN  
What? I never said that. Look, there  
you go, you're doing it again. This is  
all just very sudden, is all. Usually,  
when a man strikes your fancy, it  
means I have to sit through hours  
and hours of one-sided gossip, often  
to the point where I know your crushes  
better than I know you yourself. But  
until yesterday, I hadn't heard a peep  
about any romantic endeavours for  
months. This time, I don't know a  
thing about this new "secret flame"  
of yours.

ROMAN  
(to himself)  
You'd be surprised.

LOGAN  
Pardon?

ROMAN  
(immediately)  
Nothing. So... what exactly are you  
telling me?

LOGAN  
I'm telling you that yes, I'll help you.  
Because I'm not sure I like not knowing  
things, and because what kind of  
roommate would I be otherwise?

_ROMAN perks up as LOGAN holds out a hand, with what might actually be a genuine smile on his face._

LOGAN (cont'd)  
"Bros before long-handled-gardening-  
equipment-used-to-break-up-the-  
surface-of-the-ground", as they say.

ROMAN  
(affectionately)  
That doesn't make any sense.

_He hands over the envelope. Just then, ROMAN notices the empty plate and water bottle._

ROMAN  
Goodness me, how long have you been  
holed up in here? Did you even have  
lunch yet?

_LOGAN, already starting to open up the envelope, pays no heed to his roommate's chiding._

LOGAN  
That doesn't matter.

ROMAN  
Oh yes, it does. Aren't you the one always  
nagging me about "three meals a day"?

LOGAN  
(as if this is a perfectly normal thing to   
say to your same-aged roommate)  
Do as I say, not as I do.

_ROMAN grabs the wheeled office chair on which LOGAN is sitting and pulls it away from the desk, snatching away the letter as he does so._

ROMAN  
Oh, no, you don't. I'm not about to let  
you read my extraordinarily-important  
letter on an empty stomach. Your advice  
wouldn't be reliable at all!

_He puts the letter on the desk, out of LOGAN's reach, maybe gives it a gentle pat or two. He's doing this for the letter's sake, not his roommate's. Obviously._

LOGAN  
(deadpan)  
How considerate of you.

ROMAN  
I know! Come now, you're going to eat  
something. Don't even try to argue.

LOGAN  
Really, this isn't necessary --

ROMAN  
(shrewdly)  
We can make Crofter's crêpes.

LOGAN  
On second thought, that doesn't sound  
like such a terrible idea after all.

ROMAN  
(triumphantly)  
I knew you would see reason.

_ROMAN tries to wheel LOGAN offstage, but LOGAN pushes him aside and gets up himself. Exeunt._

* * *

**SCENE FOUR -**

_Enter LOGAN, with a little bit of Crofter's still on his cheek. He sits at his desk, wipes off the stray bit of jam, and begins editing with his red pen. ROMAN'S VOICE can be faintly heard, but the recording is too quiet for the audience to hear what's going on. Once the brief recording has faded out, LOGAN gets up to hand the letter to someone offstage -- and receives a third letter in return._

LOGAN  
Again?

_He returns to his desk to edit the third letter. Before he can finish, however, someone offstage taps him on the shoulder, then hands a fourth letter to him. An eyebrow goes up, but he accepts it without complaint._

_That's when the letters start coming thick and fast. First one, then two, then too many to count; more and more invisible stagehands pile them up on his desk, on the ground, in his hands. Snippets of ROMAN'S VOICE start playing, overlapping over each other into a steady crescendo..._

ROMAN'S VOICE  
(ad-lib some of your own, and use some  
of the old ones as well. Here are  
some examples to get you started:)

...I love taking you to movies, because  
your features look so different...

...hard to imagine I could ever be  
contemptuous of...

...sometimes when you're thinking hard  
I can see your tongue stick out...

...the light from the movie screen makes  
everything so much gentler...

...you let me paint your nails, and  
you pretended to hate it, but...

...sharp when you work...

...you were so careful not to let the  
colours chip...

...three meals a day...

...those thick frames hide so much  
kindness...

...I wish you would admit it to  
yourself...

...soft when you wonder...

(etc. etc.)

_...and at the center of it all, spotlight on LOGAN. He's struggling to keep up, moving faster and faster, maybe even editing three letters at once, but there are so many voices and only one of him. Fingers tap violently against the table. As the cacophony grows, so does his panic._

_There's something else there, too._

_Jealousy._

LOGAN  
(muttering to himself)  
Get it together, Logan. He's relying  
on you, you can't let him down.  
Don't you want to see him happy?  
He's letting you edit these because  
he trusts you. Don't break that trust.  
Come on, come on, work faster! Put  
aside your feelings. You're doing this  
for him, aren't you? Don't be selfish. 

_Enter ROMAN, running onstage with another letter in hand. He stops dead in his tracks as he sees LOGAN._

ROMAN  
(quietly)  
Logan?

_LOGAN, lost in the flurry of noise and motion, doesn't hear him._

LOGAN  
(getting more frenzied)  
What is wrong with you? He's your  
roommate, nothing more. And you  
were perfectly fine with that up  
until he started asking you to do  
this for him!

ROMAN  
(a little louder)  
Logan.

LOGAN  
(impassioned)  
He already has feelings for someone  
else! Dammit, why can't you just stop  
thinking about yourself for a change?   
This was never about you!

ROMAN  
(shouting)  
Logan!

_Suddenly, silence. All at once, ROMAN'S VOICE cuts off, the stagehands delivering letters freeze where they are, LOGAN looks up and sees ROMAN. For a moment, everything is absolutely, breathtakingly still._

_Finally, ROMAN breaks the silence._

ROMAN  
Logan, what's going on?

_He catches sight of the letters piled all over the stage. Surprise, followed by understanding._

ROMAN  
Oh. Oh, Logan, it's too much, isn't  
it? Why didn't you say anything? I  
didn't realise how much this was  
stressing you out, I could have  
slowed down if you just --

LOGAN  
No, it's not that.

_Beat._

ROMAN  
Then what...?

LOGAN  
(unsure how to phrase it)  
Roman, I'm afraid it may not be  
responsible of me to keep  
proofreading your letters.

_ROMAN tenses. Another beat._

ROMAN  
(quietly)  
You hate them, don't you?

LOGAN  
What? No! That is not what is going  
on here at all!

ROMAN  
 Then what?

LOGAN  
I -- I can't tell you, you'll think  
less of me --

ROMAN  
I'll think even less of you if you  
just up and abandon me like this!   
What, you can't even give me a  
reason?

_Once again, silence, thick and potent. They've locked themselves into their strange little stalemate once again -- neither moving, neither blinking..._

_Once again, LOGAN is the first to look away._

LOGAN  
I assure you, it would be in your  
best interests to find someone else  
to proofread these letters. I am no  
longer capable of providing you with  
accurate, objective information, as  
I... I have found myself developing...

_He laughs. The sound is bleak and tinted with iron._

LOGAN (cont'd)  
Let's just say that your love letters  
were a little too effective.

_Tinted with irony, that is._

LOGAN (cont'd)  
(all in one breath)  
Anyway, the point is, I really am sorry  
that I wasn't able to keep my promise,  
but it just doesn't seem fair to you, with  
my feelings in the way, and --

ROMAN  
(talking over him)  
You still haven't figured it out?

LOGAN  
I know, I'm --

_LOGAN does a double take._

LOGAN (cont'd)  
Pardon me?

ROMAN  
Was there nothing in those letters that  
rang a bell for you? Nothing that sounded  
familiar? (off LOGAN) Goodness, Logan, for  
someone so smart, you really can be a  
blockhead sometimes.

_Understanding begins to dawn just before ROMAN delivers his next line._

ROMAN (cont'd)  
The letters were always meant for you.

_The frozen stagehands come to life; they gently drop their letters and disappear into the wings, leaving ROMAN and LOGAN alone with the spotlight. The world has stopped to wonder._

_LOGAN stares at ROMAN as if seeing him for the first time. Which feels awfully familiar, doesn't it? Except this time, when ROMAN reaches for LOGAN's wrist and pulls him in, LOGAN doesn't protest, doesn't step back, doesn't drop his gaze._

_LOGAN does smile._

LOGAN  
(affectionately)  
That was unbelievably tacky.

_Cue blackout. At the same time, ROMAN'S VOICE, bits and pieces overlapping just as before._

_And in the split second before the stage is plunged into complete darkness, one of them -- it's unclear which one -- makes the first move._

**Author's Note:**

> okaY HOLY MOLY this was an adventure to write. as you can surely tell, i've never written scripts before, and honestly there are still some places i'm not too fond of (-cough- the ending -cough-)... but overall? i had fun writing this thing!!
> 
> this is a very, very late gift for the lovely logan (aka @romansleftshoulderpad) -- thank you so much for your patience with me, logan!! gosh you guys they've just been so lovely and understanding about this whole thing, if you haven't already, be sure to go give 'em a follow on tumblr!! you won't regret it, i promise. i know i haven't <3
> 
> anyway, thank you so so much for reading as always!! sending all my love to you sweethearts who have made it all the way to the end. take care!!


End file.
